I had a MASSIVE wobble this week AND it’s mental health awareness week

Mental Health Awareness Week

I’m sure this is the week I’m supposed to be being all positive and promoting Mental Health Awareness, especially as the main focus this year is Body Image. I should be all over this right?  But tonight I cried. I cried so hard and blew snot all over Husbandface. Poor Husbandface. I am struggling with myself. I’m going to admit it… I have been avoiding mirrors. So much so, that I was shocked when I looked up in the mirror in the school toilets at the end of the day and forgot how I had decided to wear my hair that day and it freaked me out a bit.

FOOD, GLORIOUS, FOOD… Carbs found me…

I have to admit I have not been eating as healthily as I would like, it’s been mad exam season at school and it’s been easier to grab a sarnie for lunch and chuck fresh pasta in a saucepan for tea. Not mention the fact that I have been too busy/ exhausted for the gym. This has made me feel like shit, guilty for not doing what I think I SHOULD be doing. But when in fact I think it was just my way of powering through a tough time. These last two weeks I have been moving more and getting my salads on, not because I felt I SHOULD but because I wanted it, my body wanted it. So I have been making a glorious smorgasbord of beautiful colourful salads and it’s been great. However, my brain seems not to be catching up with me, I think I have almost relapsed into a cycle of self-loathing perpetuated by feelings of guilt over food, drink and lack of exercise. So I cried. I sobbed. Husbandface held me tight and told me reassuring things about how beautiful I am, I mumbled things about not being “better” for him. And then I heard it… “Better for him”… This brought me back to arguments with my Ex, about how I’d broken promises to lose weight. I was slipping back into my old ways and I can’t do that. I have come so far, but the fear of living life without the crutch of a diet or striving to be “better” (and by “better” I mean thin… And can I also just state that this is just the way I feel about MYSELF and not other bodies). It all became too much and I unravelled. But weirdly I think I needed to.

The Morning After…

Today I woke up with a feeling of mild embarrassment (and looking a little Trollesque) but also with a feeling of gentle determination. I am more than just my body, I am creative, I am nice, I am funny, I am a good teacher, I am a friend, a wife, a lover, a crazy cat lady, I am stylish, I have good taste, I can laugh so hard I pee, I am capable of loving and I am loved. But in order to restart my journey, to do a U-turn and make my way back to the BoPo path, I did something I was avoiding. I looked at my body. Then I took a couple of photos. Mostly because when I see women like Felicity Hayward I think they are beautiful and I’m not that different in size to her. You know what … I liked those photos!

I also need to focus on some of the things I am proud of… This week I went on a course about Eating Disorders, because I am constantly getting stopped at school to be told about one of our girls who has body image issues. I have written a BoPo story for kids, all 4000 words of it! I’m have stood up and given assemblies at school (which I always hated doing) and I have recruited an army of BoPo ambassadors to do my bidding on top of that!  I have a beautiful front room after months of living in a building site. I have amazing family and friends who are going through loads at the moment, but are just keeping going. I have a Husbandface who is just the best of humans and he is all mine. I am proud of this website and my BoPo work. I am pretty alright you know…

If you got this far, thank you, from the bottom of my heart for supporting me and my random ramblings. I love you.

By the way, did I tell you…? I am me, and I am pretty good ❤️❤️❤️

 

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6 comments

  1. I really do love you! I understand so much of what you say. Had my own major wobble last week, too. Any time at school you need an ear, come and find me xxx

  2. I have just seen your blog it’s awesome I am so much like it had body image problems for decades. I see your blog and it is so me keep bloggingx

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